SORRY GUYS, TO FUNNY TO PASS UP
Leaving The Toilet Seat UP
Author: Unknown
Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's
restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do
that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and
then just start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit
something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that
men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a
bathroom stall (because all the urinals are being used), take
perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee
all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and
onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
trusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to
sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price
to pay. Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at
night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right
into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's
going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm
a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a
real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's
the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with
it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to
bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim.
Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all
over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you
women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you
use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat
won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to
hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that
perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet
seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and
compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you
start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress
and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and
tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet
seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.
I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I
told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting
down on the toilet with "morning wood."
Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath
towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are
sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet
seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack
between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.
You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back
of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you
women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position
by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of
practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the
only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first
morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get
beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was
Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
Author: Unknown
Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's
restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do
that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and
then just start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit
something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that
men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a
bathroom stall (because all the urinals are being used), take
perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee
all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and
onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
trusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to
sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price
to pay. Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at
night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right
into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's
going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm
a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a
real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's
the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with
it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to
bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim.
Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all
over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you
women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you
use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat
won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to
hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that
perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet
seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and
compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you
start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress
and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and
tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet
seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.
I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I
told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting
down on the toilet with "morning wood."
Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath
towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are
sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet
seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack
between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.
You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back
of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you
women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position
by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of
practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the
only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first
morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get
beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was
Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
posted by EXSENO at 6:04 AM
3 Comments:
Having a rough day so thanks for the good post - gave me a smile. I was reading half way thru it and thought how hard it is to pee with morning wood. Then I read a little more and you had that area covered - nice reporting. ;)
Morning wood or trying to pee anytime with a hardon is a problem. I am surprised the guy that wrote this didn't mention "pee shy" and the dreaded "I have to go but my boner won't let me". Those are two of my battles. "Pee shy" occurs at those times when you are at a football game and during halftime you have to pee and you can't relax with the 10 guys waiting in line behind you at the urinal. It's not like they are really watching (or at least I hope not), it's more that I know in their head they are saying "hurry up, hurry up" and I can't hurry it when you make me all tense.
The other problem area, "I have to go but my booner won't let me", that occurs when you have to pee despite your erection. I know Mother Nature built us so the ability to pee is blocked when you have sex or have an erection, but sometime after you have to pee and you can't because the two collide in terms of sending info from my big head/brain to my little head/brain. It's annoying.
A penis is good for peeing during road trips or anywhere "dirty". Unlike women that have to sit and do all that junk, we just whip it out and put it away at our convenience. Then again as your post and I mentioned above, that convenience does have it's drawbacks.
OMG, your comment is funnier then my post.
The one thing every women envys in a man is that he can whip it out and pee anywhere. You can bet on it it's money in the bag!
But "pee shy" is something I thought was exclusive only to women.
Get rid of those bad days, you ought to be enjoying yourself all the time!!! Your at a great age take advantage of it.
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